I doubt that the lone person who reads this blog, or maybe the two of you, knows that I have a long history of clinical depression. It's usually not a big deal. It seems to be cyclical. Or rather, once I managed to take action years ago, it's become cyclical. Every few years, I'll notice patterns re-emerging, and I'll know it's time to see the doctor. I'll have a flare-up (like some people do with bad hips or knees) every two or three years, go on meds for nine months or a year, and then I can be off them again for a couple more years. So I have an appointment with the doctor in two weeks. This time's a little different, though. Normally, just making the appointment is enough to make me feel a little better. One of my symptoms is avoidance, so knowing that's I'm at least doing something is a boost. I made my appointment on Thursday, but I didn't feel better. In fact, and completely contrary to past instance, the decision to get help seems to have almost given permission for the beast to get more aggressive. Saturday was awful. I wasn't sad, I just... wasn't, in a metaphysical sense. Eric and I had planned to go see Cloverfield, and I just didn't feel like it. We did a little shopping, mainly so I could avoid doing homework, but I didn't find anything I liked enough to buy, not even a nifty pen- normally the collectible Muppet Xmas ornaments for $2.50 each would have been brought home with absolute glee. When we got home, Eric asked if I were all right. I said no. I wasn't sad. I wasn't anxious, I was just, well, depressed. More so than I've been in a loooong time.
Luckily I can recognize it for what it is. Sadness has a reason behind it; depression doesn't. And if anyone happens upon this blog finds themselves thinking they might need some help, well, I'm the poster child for It Can Get Better. I know in a few weeks I'll be me again. And if you've been going through it for so long that you don't remember what it's like to Be You, I've been there, too. I was so depressed through the last couple years of high school and my first, oh, ten years of college that I barely remember them happening. And I know that if I can make myself put up with the day-to-day for a few weeks till the meds kick in, I'll be back where I want to be. Till then, doing homework is almost painful, and going to class isn't much easier. It's cliche, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Snowy Mountains Retouched
I tried to make it look like an old postcard, and got rid of the power lines
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Classes and such
School has begun, and I'm happy about it. I've resolved to walk to and from class this semester. That's Monday afternoons, Tuesday mornings, then again on Tuesday afternoons. Takes about 20 minutes each way. One of the reasons we picked this house was its proximity to campus. When we moved it, we immediately bought bikes, which have sat in the basement ever since. I don't trust Johnson City drivers not to hit me. Plus there's a big hill that's difficult to peddle up if you're as out of shape as I am. Walking is great, though, and my metabolism is picking up pretty quickly because of it. Because I work from my La-Z-Boy, I've been amazingly sedentary for the past year or so.
Speaking of classes, I ought to be doing homework right now. I think I'm gonna have to rearrange my work schedule so I don't work 10 hours on Wednesdays. I can do that on Mondays, but I need more time on Wednesday for the homework assigned on Tuesday that's due on Thursday. I was assigned yesterday to learn and tell a story tomorrow- a story I really don't know and have no idea how to perform. In other academic news, I'm thinking I might reconsider getting an MFA in Directing when I finish this current degree. Now I'm thinking a PhD in Performance Studies might serve me better. What do you think? I'd like to do something on effective visual actor-created imagery in narrative performance as my dissertation. Besides the Performance Studies option, the University of Colorado offers a PhD in research for directors, and that really might be right up my alley. Plus it's in Boulder, and you know I love me some Boulder. But Eric would hate the winters, even as I joyfully made snowmen.
There was some lovely snow on the mountain behind my house today, but I didn't really notice it till it was too dark to take a picture. There may be more snow tomorrow- I'll post a pic if there is.
I went to the Counseling Center on campus yesterday. Since ETSU has a medical school, they have honest-to-gosh psychiatrists who can prescribe my meds for me. I'll still have to see a psychologist in addition to the MD, but the counselor agreed that I really don't need it and once a month is fine just to fulfill the requirement. I should have my meds in 2 weeks, thank goodness. Eric says I'm having mood swings that I don't recognize. All I know is that it's way difficult to get up in the morning, I'm not eating enough, and A Beer After Work has turned into Three Beers After Work. And I know that when that happens, it's a pattern I need to do something about. I know meds are too frequently prescribed for people who don't actually have brain chemistry disorders. But for those of us whose chemistry is out of whack, meds can do wonders. I'm also hoping that when meds manage to bring my stress level down, maybe it'll do something to help my TMJ, which has gone CRAZY. I keep all my tension in my neck, and right now I can barely open my mouth wide enough to eat a sandwich. A Big Mac would be out of the question. And that's not good for a singer. I started taking glucosamine and chondroitin for the TMJ, and it has helped a lot, believe it or not.
Anyway, it's a lovely (if very cold) night here on the front porch. Hope all is well with both of you who see this.
Speaking of classes, I ought to be doing homework right now. I think I'm gonna have to rearrange my work schedule so I don't work 10 hours on Wednesdays. I can do that on Mondays, but I need more time on Wednesday for the homework assigned on Tuesday that's due on Thursday. I was assigned yesterday to learn and tell a story tomorrow- a story I really don't know and have no idea how to perform. In other academic news, I'm thinking I might reconsider getting an MFA in Directing when I finish this current degree. Now I'm thinking a PhD in Performance Studies might serve me better. What do you think? I'd like to do something on effective visual actor-created imagery in narrative performance as my dissertation. Besides the Performance Studies option, the University of Colorado offers a PhD in research for directors, and that really might be right up my alley. Plus it's in Boulder, and you know I love me some Boulder. But Eric would hate the winters, even as I joyfully made snowmen.
There was some lovely snow on the mountain behind my house today, but I didn't really notice it till it was too dark to take a picture. There may be more snow tomorrow- I'll post a pic if there is.
I went to the Counseling Center on campus yesterday. Since ETSU has a medical school, they have honest-to-gosh psychiatrists who can prescribe my meds for me. I'll still have to see a psychologist in addition to the MD, but the counselor agreed that I really don't need it and once a month is fine just to fulfill the requirement. I should have my meds in 2 weeks, thank goodness. Eric says I'm having mood swings that I don't recognize. All I know is that it's way difficult to get up in the morning, I'm not eating enough, and A Beer After Work has turned into Three Beers After Work. And I know that when that happens, it's a pattern I need to do something about. I know meds are too frequently prescribed for people who don't actually have brain chemistry disorders. But for those of us whose chemistry is out of whack, meds can do wonders. I'm also hoping that when meds manage to bring my stress level down, maybe it'll do something to help my TMJ, which has gone CRAZY. I keep all my tension in my neck, and right now I can barely open my mouth wide enough to eat a sandwich. A Big Mac would be out of the question. And that's not good for a singer. I started taking glucosamine and chondroitin for the TMJ, and it has helped a lot, believe it or not.
Anyway, it's a lovely (if very cold) night here on the front porch. Hope all is well with both of you who see this.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sing Along, Everyone!
It's one of those crisp, cold, clear beautiful mornings when I wish life were a musical. If I knew the music and lyrics to The Lovely Morning song, I'd sing it right here on the front porch. Of course, there's that song from Oklahoma! but it isn't quite right for today. There's Joni Mitchell's Chelsea Morning, but that's not right, either. Oh, well, I guess I'll make up my own.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Waiting
God, God, GOD, why do they make me wait so?
So Eric bought an Apple TV the week they came out. So far we've been pretty unimpressed with it. He even tried to sell it on eBay last week- and there were NO BIDS! Here's a list of all we didn't like about it:
So at Macworld, Steve Jobs made me really happy by announcing that iTunes would start offering HD movies, WITH Dolby 5.1 sound, available for purchase AND for rental! And that I won't have to use the computer to do it- I can do it straight from the Apple TV. Whoo hoo! A software update will enable all the wonderfulness.
So where's the damn update? Yesterday, iTunes said movie rentals were available, but I didn't see any movies that could be rented. Today, there are movies to rent- but none are hi-def. It's not a bad deal. $3.99 to rent a standard def movie. You have, I think, a month to start watching it. Once you start, you have it for 24 hours. I'm not one for watching movies on the computer, though. When hi-def is available, it'll be $1 more. And if you have a flat panel monitor or a laptop, your comp will support hi-def. If you have a hi-def TV, and DVI output on your computer, you can get a cable to connect the two, even if you don't have an Apple TV and feel like putting the computer next to the television.
So where's the damn update for the Apple TV? It's coming "sometime" in the next two weeks. TWO WEEKS??? No!!! I'm whining like a baby about this. I know I am. It's pure greed and childishness, but I WANT IT NOW!!! DAMN!!!! Want want want!
Speaking of TV's, as you know, broadcast is moving fully to digital soon, a year from February. So, the Government will help you buy a converter box that allows your analog TV to receive digital signals. You can get $40 off the cost of the converter box by applying online for a coupon. However, the coupon supply is limited. So, avoid the rush. Get your coupons ordered early. Your coupon will be mailed later when the converter boxes are in the stores. Sign up now. It’s first come first serve. Now, if you have a cable box or a satellite box, you won't need a convertor. You'll need one if you use an antenna and don't have a TV with an NTSC tuner in it (if you've bought a TV in the last year or so, you may already have an NTSC tuner). BUT, even if you don't need a converter, sign up anyway. I'm gonna sign up and sell 'em on eBay.
Been waiting all day for the weather. We could get 2-4 inches of snow tonight. Or freezing rain. Or rain. Depends on the temperature. I WANT SNOW (along with my Apple TV software update). Right now, at 12:42 am, it seems to be giving me some sort of "wintry mix." I see some snow, and I hear some ice. Go away, ice! I want snow!!! I think I may also hear some regular rain, but that could be the neighbors' "water feature." Now I definitely hear regular rain. Dammit. Not good for sledding- we've got a great hill just down the street.
I tried to make an appointment with a doctor yesterday to get back on my meds. Yay, meds! But the receptionist was confused by my insurance. The member number didn't start with what she wanted it to because I don't work for a local company. She said she'd call back. She didn't. Now THAT'S a great way to treat psychiatric patients. Makes me think of the lovely University of Memphis. They have a counseling center (which turned out to be pretty useless) staffed my students getting their Masters degrees in Psychology. First off, both of the counselors I saw told me that to help my depression, I should do something nice for myself, like go to dinner or see a movie. I said, "The PROBLEM is that I HAVE to do nice things for myself to keep myself from drinking bleach! I see 4 movies a damn week when I ought to be in CLASS!" The other problem was their receptionist. You know how low-paid retail workers sometimes act like they really, REALLY don't want to help you? That was the receptionist at the U of M counseling center. Your mental breakdown and attempted suicide was interrupting her game of Minesweeper. Oof!
That's the news from here. Since Monday's a holiday, I thought it might be nice to go out of town Sunday night. Have a break. I thought we might go to Cherokee since we haven't been to a casino in a long time, and stay at this really cool, haunted hotel. Check out www.balsaminn.com. Eric was up for it. Then, when he got home from work, he decided he didn't want to go anywhere, we didn't need to go anywhere, and we're not going anywhere. Dammit!
So that's all. Be good, kids.
So Eric bought an Apple TV the week they came out. So far we've been pretty unimpressed with it. He even tried to sell it on eBay last week- and there were NO BIDS! Here's a list of all we didn't like about it:
- It doesn't support a whole lot of popular video formats. This really, REALLY limits it in terms of high-def video- which is what we really bought it for. We wanted to stream hi-def content to the TV. You CAN re-format files, but to get HD content on the Apple TV, you had to use a certain bit rate, one that was pretty low, apparently, so the video quality suffered.
- Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound was not supported. So even if you streamed a standard definition video to it, one that had surround sound, it only played in two-channel stereo. Again, you could reformat. The Apple TV will play DTS 5.1 sound. But almost NOTHING has DTS encoding. I sent it a file with DTS and it played fine... but after watching it, it wouldn't go back to its regular sound codecs and had to be restarted.
- Even if you bought a movie from iTunes, the video quality was slightly less than that of a DVD. So why bother?
So at Macworld, Steve Jobs made me really happy by announcing that iTunes would start offering HD movies, WITH Dolby 5.1 sound, available for purchase AND for rental! And that I won't have to use the computer to do it- I can do it straight from the Apple TV. Whoo hoo! A software update will enable all the wonderfulness.
So where's the damn update? Yesterday, iTunes said movie rentals were available, but I didn't see any movies that could be rented. Today, there are movies to rent- but none are hi-def. It's not a bad deal. $3.99 to rent a standard def movie. You have, I think, a month to start watching it. Once you start, you have it for 24 hours. I'm not one for watching movies on the computer, though. When hi-def is available, it'll be $1 more. And if you have a flat panel monitor or a laptop, your comp will support hi-def. If you have a hi-def TV, and DVI output on your computer, you can get a cable to connect the two, even if you don't have an Apple TV and feel like putting the computer next to the television.
So where's the damn update for the Apple TV? It's coming "sometime" in the next two weeks. TWO WEEKS??? No!!! I'm whining like a baby about this. I know I am. It's pure greed and childishness, but I WANT IT NOW!!! DAMN!!!! Want want want!
Speaking of TV's, as you know, broadcast is moving fully to digital soon, a year from February. So, the Government will help you buy a converter box that allows your analog TV to receive digital signals. You can get $40 off the cost of the converter box by applying online for a coupon. However, the coupon supply is limited. So, avoid the rush. Get your coupons ordered early. Your coupon will be mailed later when the converter boxes are in the stores. Sign up now. It’s first come first serve. Now, if you have a cable box or a satellite box, you won't need a convertor. You'll need one if you use an antenna and don't have a TV with an NTSC tuner in it (if you've bought a TV in the last year or so, you may already have an NTSC tuner). BUT, even if you don't need a converter, sign up anyway. I'm gonna sign up and sell 'em on eBay.
Been waiting all day for the weather. We could get 2-4 inches of snow tonight. Or freezing rain. Or rain. Depends on the temperature. I WANT SNOW (along with my Apple TV software update). Right now, at 12:42 am, it seems to be giving me some sort of "wintry mix." I see some snow, and I hear some ice. Go away, ice! I want snow!!! I think I may also hear some regular rain, but that could be the neighbors' "water feature." Now I definitely hear regular rain. Dammit. Not good for sledding- we've got a great hill just down the street.
I tried to make an appointment with a doctor yesterday to get back on my meds. Yay, meds! But the receptionist was confused by my insurance. The member number didn't start with what she wanted it to because I don't work for a local company. She said she'd call back. She didn't. Now THAT'S a great way to treat psychiatric patients. Makes me think of the lovely University of Memphis. They have a counseling center (which turned out to be pretty useless) staffed my students getting their Masters degrees in Psychology. First off, both of the counselors I saw told me that to help my depression, I should do something nice for myself, like go to dinner or see a movie. I said, "The PROBLEM is that I HAVE to do nice things for myself to keep myself from drinking bleach! I see 4 movies a damn week when I ought to be in CLASS!" The other problem was their receptionist. You know how low-paid retail workers sometimes act like they really, REALLY don't want to help you? That was the receptionist at the U of M counseling center. Your mental breakdown and attempted suicide was interrupting her game of Minesweeper. Oof!
That's the news from here. Since Monday's a holiday, I thought it might be nice to go out of town Sunday night. Have a break. I thought we might go to Cherokee since we haven't been to a casino in a long time, and stay at this really cool, haunted hotel. Check out www.balsaminn.com. Eric was up for it. Then, when he got home from work, he decided he didn't want to go anywhere, we didn't need to go anywhere, and we're not going anywhere. Dammit!
So that's all. Be good, kids.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Can't sleep
Well, it's almost 3 am and I'm wide awake, so I think I'll type aimlessly for a bit. I was tired earlier. Just before midnight, I thought I'd take a shower and go to bed. Then I thought I'd watch the end of the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie and then go to bed. I thought I had about 45 minutes of it left to see. But no- there were a couple more hours. So now I'm awake. I liked all three of those movies a lot more than I probably should have.
40% chance of snow tomorrow. I like that. And a 20% chance on Monday. I like that, too, though I've made a vow to walk to class this semester, and it's gonna be awfully cold. But I need the exercise.
Mac OS X Leopard is pretty wonderful, especially the new Stacks functionality. Eric's new iMac is gorgeous, too. We had the previous incarnation of the wireless keyboard, but he wanted the new one and got it. It's SO THIN. Like, crazy thin. And with the wireless mouse, the only cord coming out of the iMac is the power cord, which is barely visible. It's really lovely, and fast, and the monitor is amazing. Now I know why Apple can charge so much for their monitors. I have watched the Speed Racer trailer in HD on the big TV, on Eric's previous HP monitor, and on my MacBook, but none of them compare to seeing it on the iMac's monitor. You could see the LINT on Speed's socks. BEAUTIFUL. If you haven't seen the latest iMac incarnation, it looks like this:
And yes, that is the WHOLE computer. There's no tower or anything. That's the whole shebang. Now imagine it without the cords in the pic.
That's the news from the porch. Be good.
40% chance of snow tomorrow. I like that. And a 20% chance on Monday. I like that, too, though I've made a vow to walk to class this semester, and it's gonna be awfully cold. But I need the exercise.
Mac OS X Leopard is pretty wonderful, especially the new Stacks functionality. Eric's new iMac is gorgeous, too. We had the previous incarnation of the wireless keyboard, but he wanted the new one and got it. It's SO THIN. Like, crazy thin. And with the wireless mouse, the only cord coming out of the iMac is the power cord, which is barely visible. It's really lovely, and fast, and the monitor is amazing. Now I know why Apple can charge so much for their monitors. I have watched the Speed Racer trailer in HD on the big TV, on Eric's previous HP monitor, and on my MacBook, but none of them compare to seeing it on the iMac's monitor. You could see the LINT on Speed's socks. BEAUTIFUL. If you haven't seen the latest iMac incarnation, it looks like this:
And yes, that is the WHOLE computer. There's no tower or anything. That's the whole shebang. Now imagine it without the cords in the pic.
That's the news from the porch. Be good.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
New Things
Eric and I just got back from Knoxville. You see, he has Gadget Lust. Like, expensive Gadget Lust. I can't tell you how many computers and cell phones he's been through in the past few years. He gets them, becomes disenchanted, sells them on eBay, and gets something new. So he's decided to sell his HP computer, which is, to my mind, a really nice machine. But we were at dinner tonight, lapping up some barbecue, when he decided he simply had to have a new iMac. So we had to go straight to Knoxville, 85 miles an hour the whole way, to arrive at the Apple Store 5 minutes before closing. Then we walked around Target for 15 minutes so I could be Out of the Car for a bit, and drove the hour and a half back home. And he's setting up the iMac as I type. I say, "Can't you try to keep a computer for a year?"
He was a little on the fence between the iMac and a MacBook like mine. He decided (again) that he doesn't need a laptop. We'll see... anyway, the iMac is really, really pretty. Makes me want to display it in the front parlor.
In other news, my copy of OS X Leopard arrived today and I really, really like it.
The end.
He was a little on the fence between the iMac and a MacBook like mine. He decided (again) that he doesn't need a laptop. We'll see... anyway, the iMac is really, really pretty. Makes me want to display it in the front parlor.
In other news, my copy of OS X Leopard arrived today and I really, really like it.
The end.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Eeewww!
Eric found a dead rat in the basement yesterday. Now he says he'll help me clean the basement out- YAY! But oh, the rat. When I picked up up to get rid of it, the underside was all covered in maggots. EEEWWW! I thought about positing a picture of just how nasty it was, going all John Waters on my unsuspecting readers (all three of you). But since you're nice enough to read, I'll spare you.
EEEWWW!
EEEWWW!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Politics
I was surprised when Obama beat Clinton in Iowa, and I was surprised that Thompson beat Guiliani. Now comes New Hampshire, where Clinton and McCain have triumphed. Oh, John McCain, what has become of you? I loved you so much in the past. I want to write a letter to you:
Dear John McCain,
Are you a trixter, like Jack or Anansi? If I vote for you, will you shed the person you've become, playing to the base populous? Will you say, "I fooled you all, and now I'm the President!" and be the great leader you used to be? If you can promise me that most of what you've said over the past year meant nothing, I'll vote for you, I will!
Dear John McCain,
Are you a trixter, like Jack or Anansi? If I vote for you, will you shed the person you've become, playing to the base populous? Will you say, "I fooled you all, and now I'm the President!" and be the great leader you used to be? If you can promise me that most of what you've said over the past year meant nothing, I'll vote for you, I will!
Garbage bags
While I completely understand their usefulness, doesn't it seem strange to buy something for the express purpose of throwing it away?
Sunday, January 06, 2008
iTunes
I just discovered something cool. If you click on the feeds link at the bottom of the page, you can subscribe to my video posts through iTunes, and it will automatically download by video posts (the ones I make, not YouTube ones) into your iTunes, like a podcast!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I can't feel my fingers
OMG it is so COLD. NWS says it is 17 degrees. Low tonight of 10. Low tomorrow is 9! Farenheit, people!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Snow
Been waiting all day for snow. Saw some through the window. Grabbed a coat, came outside to watch it... and it stopped. Ain't that the way it goes?
A new year
Happy New Year, folks. I'm going to begin the year by slowly moving my blog from myspace to here, to make it a bit more accessible. I think that's something I want.
I have a personal NYE superstition. I was at Syd's parents' house one year to ring in the new year, and was pretty depressed. When I left, I thought, "The first song I hear on the radio when I turn on the car is the theme for the year." I started up my Tercel, and heard the last 30 seconds of "Paint It Black." It was a little upsetting. Then there was at least a minute of dead air. So I decided that the song I hear the end of is the LAST year, The song I hear ALL of is the new year. That time, the full song after the silence was James Brown's "I Feel Good." This year, the old year was "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean. A song I never actually LIKED, but was comfortable with, could sing along to, and didn't hate. 2008's theme is "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang- also comfortable, but a MUCH better song, a funk/disco classic. It was, in fact, the first 45-rpm record I remember having. So this year, like Kool and the Gang say, "Let's celebrate. It's ALL RIGHT!" And I AM going to celebrate your party with you, even if I'm not there.
I have a personal NYE superstition. I was at Syd's parents' house one year to ring in the new year, and was pretty depressed. When I left, I thought, "The first song I hear on the radio when I turn on the car is the theme for the year." I started up my Tercel, and heard the last 30 seconds of "Paint It Black." It was a little upsetting. Then there was at least a minute of dead air. So I decided that the song I hear the end of is the LAST year, The song I hear ALL of is the new year. That time, the full song after the silence was James Brown's "I Feel Good." This year, the old year was "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean. A song I never actually LIKED, but was comfortable with, could sing along to, and didn't hate. 2008's theme is "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang- also comfortable, but a MUCH better song, a funk/disco classic. It was, in fact, the first 45-rpm record I remember having. So this year, like Kool and the Gang say, "Let's celebrate. It's ALL RIGHT!" And I AM going to celebrate your party with you, even if I'm not there.
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